From whom to choose?

So your question is – whom do I choose? The one I love or the one I am vowed with?

You would be surprised to know that nowhere in Vedic literature it is mentioned that extramarital affair is bad and has to be abandoned. If a man loves a woman other than his wife, he is more than welcomed to pursue his interest provided his pursuit is permitted by his existing partner. The same logic is applicable to females as well.

If a woman is interested in his ex-partner or falls in love with another man, she can pursue him if her existing husband permits her to do so. It is also allowed for a woman to conceive a child from another man, if her existing husband has no problems with it.

The mother has the right to choose the father of her child, be it before marriage or after marriage. If for some reason the woman finds out that her existing partner is not suitable to father a child, she can invoke another man to make her pregnant with his semen and this is not a violation of Dharma, provided she gives intimation of the incident to her existing partner.

In both cases, no violation of Dharma shall occur.

Polygamy and Polyandry is a normal thing and there is no harm in having multiple partners at all. There are hundreds of examples of Polygamy and Polyandry in ancient scriptures and nowhere it is mentioned that man and woman have to stay committed to only one partner all through their life. In reality, it is quite abnormal to spend your entire life in the company of one partner. Animals change their partners often and they breed with as many partners as they can to spread their progeny as far as possible.

King Pandu was attracted to Madri after marriage and he promised Madri’s father that he will marry her if his Queen (Kunti) has no problem with it. The Queen accepted Madri for her own reasons and they were a happy family.

Draupadi had 5 husbands and there was no problem at all with the fact that all the brothers have a common wife (except for the fact that Draupadi always favored Arjuna). Daksha’s mother was married to 10 brothers while sage Gautami was married to 7 sages who were not related to each other at all.

The reason Polygamy was more common is that the Kings preferred to breed with women of different tribes and produce children from different mothers so that they can have a wide variety of choices to pick heirs. Mortality rate, strategic alliances with other kings and long age were also some reasons why men had multiple wives.

There were also traditions wherein a princess was offered to two brothers. The reason – if one brother gets killed in a war, the other brother can take care of her. Polyandry was not considered a sin and there were examples wherein a woman was allowed to enjoy multiple partners at once, even after marriage.

There are places in Northern India where Polyandry is practiced in secrecy, although it is not as widespread and mainstream.

Another reason why polyandry was preferred is when the wife was considered more intelligent and worthy of making decisions, compared to the man. The wife’s voice is the dominant voice in the household which keeps the whole family united – the same logic which prevailed for Draupadi’s case.

So coming back to your question – nowhere in Dharma it is mentioned that you have to leave one for the other. Why leave someone you love because you are vowed to another partner (and vice versa). You have the right to balance both. Keeping and balancing both will not violate Dharma if you are not doing it in hiding and not lying to each partner about the other.

So my advice to you is

For now, you keep both of them. You tell your wife that you love another girl. You tell the other girl that you deeply love your wife. Which is the truth, nowhere in your question you have stated that you hate your wife.

See what happens. Try to balance both relationships parallelly. Yes, there will be some problems and feud’s but you need to keep a calm head. You are not abandoning any of them. You love both of them. However, one of the women will themselves abandon you or tell you to abandon the other.

Don’t be dishonest with any partner. Tell both of them the truth and see who stays and who leaves.

Just because you are married does not mean you have lost the right to love another partner. And just because you have feelings of love for another woman who is not your wife, does not mean that that feeling is true (and not an illusion).

A true partner will not object and prohibit you from seeking another partner. If your wife deeply loves you, she will let you go and wait for your return when you have realized her true love for you. An “insecure” partner who has other ambitions with you will try to cage you.

In times of dilemma, don’t make a move. Express the truth to both and see what happens. You will eventually have an answer from one of them.

• Are you ever embarrassed by the person you are dating? .
• Does the relationship take too much work? .
• How does this person treat their family? .
• How do you feel about public displays of affection? .
• Do you laugh and have fun? .
• Does this person have interests and activities that don't involve you?

Yes, everyone likes a handsome husband or partner, but that can’t be the be all and end all. Don’t plainly go by looks. Remember, ‘All that glitters is not gold’! So, when you are looking at the qualities that a perfect life partner should have, look at the overall picture – the personality, the compatibility, the mental wavelength, the similarities, dissimilarities and ideologies. What’s the point of a dashing man if he indulges in verbal bashing? So, make a prudent choice.

Long gone are the days that you met your groom after marriage. Use the time period to know your partner optimally. Make sure you get enough time to spend with them to understand their everyday habits. The more time you share together, the deeper will be your understanding about how he or she behaves with you and everybody else around you. This will help you make the right choice about a life partner and set the foundation for a healthy companionship.

A person’s basic nature never changes. Whether he is calm, angry, dominating, dismissive, passionate, chivalrous, confident or not, are things you should keep an eye on. Pay attention to details during your conversations. See if he asks you about your opinion on a place or menu, how he may behave with restaurant staff, or even you, see how he eats and talks. You need not feel like a detective but only a person married to someone who makes noise while eating can tell you how annoying it can get later in life!

The more you observe, the better it will be for you to choose a right life partner. And don’t just keep this for your first meeting, because that’s when they will be at their best behaviour. Look for consistency or the lack of it in how the person behaves, before taking a call.

Striking the right connect with a person who you have to spend your life with is extremely important. You should not have to force conversations with this person. Whether it is food, music, travel, news or views, there should be something that should help you connect. Besides, a healthy relationship is one where both partners are not fearful of expressing their opinions. Communication is the very foundation of a happy relationship.

Haven’t we heard, “opposites attract”. Well, when you choose a right life partner, just make sure you aren’t so different that you stop connecting later in life. Yet, if you’re too similar, that can also spell trouble for the relationship. A marriage should be like fire and ice – if one flares up, the other should douse it. Having some things in common too is good because those are the things you can enjoy together.

Also read: What happens when you’re vegan, and your partner is not?

The intelligence quotient is an important factor to consider when you’re choosing a perfect life partner. And by that, we don’t mean to say that you check their academic and career record. Well, feel free to do that because financial security is a huge part of marriage, but try not to choose a partner who tries to make you feel like a lesser being in any way. Anyone remotely intelligent will be wiser about it! On another note, you should focus on your own financial independence.

Marriage is said to be a union of families rather than two people. You’ve got to realize that marriage is not just for a few rosy days of the honeymoon period. It’s (mostly) a lifelong matter. So, be wise about the family background and standing of the person. Whether you go into a lower income family or a higher income family, you may face similar challenges in adjusting. If, however, you are ready to take the plunge and your partner is supportive, no matter what, the call should be yours to take!

All said and done, you can weigh your options all you want, but if a relationship lacks respect, it’s as good as a death trap. You will end up feeling stifled and suffocated. Respect for you, your family, your choices, your ideologies, your priorities are all an important aspect of surviving a marriage. Just never make the choice to be with anyone who looks down upon you because that’s not one of the good qualities of a life partner.

First, the rule:

(If you need to refresh your parts-of-speech memory, head to English Grammar Basics: Parts of a Sentence.) Before applying the rule concerning who/whoever and whom/whomever, check out these sample sentences:

Whoever needs help from Lochness is going to wait a long time. (Whoever is the subject of the verb needs.)

Who is calling Lulu at this time of night? (Who is the subject of the verb is calling.)

"I don't care whom you ask to the prom," exclaimed Legghorn unconvincingly. (Whom is the direct object of the verb ask.)

The mustard-yellow belt is for whomever she designates as the hot dog eating champion. (Whomever is the direct object of the verb designates.)

For whom are you bellowing? (Whom is the object of the preposition for.)

Now that you know the rule and have seen the words in action, here are two tricks for deciding between who/whoever and whom/whomever. If one trick seems to work, use it and ignore the other. Here goes. . . .

According to an old song, "love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage." Grammarians might sing that song with slightly different lyrics: "A subject and verb go together like a horse and carriage." (What do you think? Grammy material?) To use Trick #1, follow these steps:

1. Find all the verbs in the sentence.

2. Don't separate the helping verbs from the main verb. Count the main verb and its helpers as a single verb.

3. Now pair each of the verbs with a subject.

4. If you have a verb flapping around with no subject, chances are who or whoever is the subject you're missing.

5. If all the verbs have subjects, check them one more time. Do you have any linking verbs without complements? If you have a lonely linking verb with no complement in sight, you need who or whoever.

A linking verb begins a word equation; it expresses a state of being, linking two ideas. You can think of linking verbs as giant equal signs plopped into the middle of your sentence. The complement completes the equation. (Linking Verbs versus Action Verbs can help if you’re confused about these different types of verbs.)

6. If all subjects are accounted for and you don't need a linking verb complement, you've reached a final answer: whom or whomever is the only possibility.

Here's a sample sentence, analyzed via Trick #1:

SENTENCE: Who/Whom shall I say is calling?

The verbs = shall say, is calling.

The subject of shall say = I.

The subject of is calling = Okay, here you go. You need a subject for is calling but you're out of words. You have only one choice: who.

CORRECT SENTENCE: Who shall I say is calling?

Now you try: Which word is correct?

Agnes buys detergent in one-ton boxes for Lochness, who/whom she adores in spite of his odor problem.

Answer: Whom, because it's the direct object of adores. Agnes buys, she adores = subject–verb pairs. Both are action verbs, so no subject complement is needed.

This trick relies on your ear for grammar. Most English sentences follow one pattern: Subject–Verb–Object or Subject Complement. Trick #2 is to say the parts of the sentence in this order, even if you have to rearrange the words a little. Here are the steps to follow:

1. Identify the verb in the sentence that seems connected to the who/whom choice. Usually it's the verb nearest who/whom. It's also the verb logically connected by meaning — that is, in the same thought as who/whom.

2. Say (aloud, if you don't mind scaring your classmates or co-workers, or silently, if you plan to keep a reputation for sanity) the three parts of the sentence.

Anything before the verb is who or whoever.

If you're working with an action verb, anything after the verb is probably whom or whomever.

If you're working with a linking verb, anything after the verb is probably who or whoever.

Here is a sample sentence analyzed with Trick #2:

Who/Whom will Lochness choose for the vacancy in his nuclear spy ring?

The verb is will choose.

Will choose is an action verb, so forget about linking verb complements.

Say aloud: Lochness will choose who/whom.

Choice = whom because the word is after the verb.

Whom = direct object of will choose.

CORRECT SENTENCE: Whom will Lochness choose for the vacancy in his nuclear spy ring?

Which word is correct?

Who or whom? If you’re like most English speakers, you know that there’s a difference between these pronouns, but you aren’t sure what that difference is. After reading this article, you may conclude that knowing when to use which one is not as difficult as you thought.

In a sentence, who is used as a subject. Let’s look at a couple of examples:

Whom is used as the object of a verb or preposition. Consider these examples:

How can you tell when your pronoun is the object of a verb or preposition? Try substituting the subjective-case pronoun he, she, or they for who or whom And then try substituting the objective-case pronoun him, her, or them. If he, she, or they fits, you should use the subjective option: who. If him, her, or them fits, you should use the objective option: whom. Keep in mind that you may have to temporarily rearrange the sentence a bit while you test it.

Try substituting she and her: She ate my sandwich. Her ate my sandwich. Because the pronoun is the subject of this sentence, the subjective he sounds right and her doesn’t. That means the word you want is the subjective who.

Let’s look at another:

Before we can try substituting they and them here, we need to notice something about this sentence: it’s interrogative, meaning it’s a question, and as with many interrogative sentences, the subject, I, doesn’t come at the beginning but in the middle. Turning it into a declarative sentence by moving the subject to the beginning and making it a statement instead of a question will make it easier to tell which pronoun case sounds more natural: I should talk to they. I should talk to them. The objective them sounds right, so the word you need is the objective one: whom.

You can also use questions to determine when to use who and when to use whom. Are you using the pronoun to talk about someone who is doing something?

Yes, you are talking about someone doing something; the pronoun refers to the subject of the second sentence, Gina, so use who in your question.

Now look at these sentences:

In this case, we are not using the pronoun to refer to the subject of the sentences, the person doing something (Gina), but to refer to the person she is doing something for: Charlie. In other words, Charlie is the direct object of the verb pick up in the second sentence, so we know to use the objective whom in the question.

If you think the whom examples sound awkward or fussy, you are not alone. Many people don’t use whom in casual speech or writing. Others use it only in well-established phrases such as “to whom it may concern.” Some people never use it at all. It’s not unusual, or even incorrect in many contexts, to hear sentences like these: