Madalen Denzongpa

The unfair thing parents so on both sides is linking contact with childing to financial contributions and often one is weaponized and the other soon falls into the trap as collateral damage.

I could go further into the father vs mother dynamics that have already been covered but really this isn’t really different to any other dynamic in life – where individuals either use systems to their advantage or put their agenda first.

So instead, I will try to talk about how to fix the system in my view:

Firstly, reducing assets/income is completely normal and whilst receiving parents may deduce it’s a punishment to them actually it’s almost always without exception a legally acceptable practice to reduce paying less tax to the taxman. Just about every director and self-employed person, I’ve ever met does this, whether they have kids or are even in a relationship or not.

The CMS then have a difficulty, because they are working with a set of data which although they have full access to, they handicap with taxation laws that favour corporations and the rich (but let’s not open that can of worms!).

The CMS also base calculations on the last tax year – which means any calculated amount is extremely susceptible to change but also unfortunately to manipulation.

Although it clearly doesn’t work for every case, the CMS uses tax because it’s the least amount of work – and also because it actually it fits most of the working population who happen to be employees on PAYE. We do need to accept that. It works for probably 75-85% of the population.

The CMS are not going to invest in another data set when they have ​a ‘mostly’ reliable source just across the road at HMRC.

So how do you plug the gaps? Change the calculation model. How? Use a combination calculation. I’m not sure of the perfect mix but here’s my suggestion:

1. Take a calculation up to £25k of earnings – this then covers everyone equally and accounts for genuinely low earners. 2. Take a calculation of tax on earnings across all tax years since the child was born up to 18 and calculate an average – this means that numbers cannot be manipulated in one year with a sudden drop (and if there is, it can be more easily triggered for investigation) 3. Get rid of the nights element to the calculation – and instead add tiers, 25% of the year, 50% and 75% – these are easier calculations/discounts to work with and accounts for anomalys of a few extra days/week here or there.

This then means if someone loses their job for example… the element of number one is deal with proportionally but it also means that someone cannot ‘hide’ their income and if they were – then it cannot be deemed as being done to spite an ex-partner.

The other thing to say is when payments feel low, it is normal for the receiving parent to ask for more… better circumstances that wouldnt be an issue – I know plenty that give more than the CMS amount voluntarily as well as on request. However, we need to realise and accept what the difference is. Anything more than the CMS calculation is extra and as a result anything extra may – in some cases – requires negotiation or a slightly different approach.

In ideal world, both parents would put their ego aside and just put the kids first but the reality is that after so many parental breakdowns, there are still long lasting wounds on one side or both. To ignore this is not only naive but counter-productive – whether the paying/receiving or isolated/residing parent – you have to now accept that if you are not on better terms, that there will be an extra dynamic to consider.

Therefore a discussion about money might seem like nothing in a amicable circumstances but outside of it can feel like a very very personal attack which people cannot help but resist. I wish it wasnt true but it plays out time and again.

Lastly, there should be greater consequences for breaches of directives like court orders and failed payments – I dont think those that do it take it seriously enough because the law/court doesnt. That only adds to the tensions above.

I dont want go into my situation too much, as I’m aware I dont have peace with it yet but I will say I would be happy to pay more in better circumstances but when things are so bad its really difficult to differentiate what is being asked from the person asking because how bad the level of communcation is between us. I wish it wasnt the case, from the bottom of my heart, but after a break up you usually promise yourself you wont allpow certain things again, like unfairness or emotional blackmail, so unfortunately that plays out my own resistance over ‘extra money’ because of the unnecessary words added to messages when being asked, which demonstrate its not just about the kids for the other person, either – and although in every other area of your life you might have the experience, expertise and confidence to ‘rise above it’ – it feels like the ability to do so flies out of the window so quick you dont even realise it left the room. I have never experienced that with anyone or anywhere, so I know whatever is going on isn’t just down to me. I genuinely want to be better – but first I have to learn how to redefine communication between two people who think that everything they say to one another is an attack or manipulation. Wounds.

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