when hubby hurts you?
- Allow yourself to grieve.
- Express your feelings clearly.
- Accept your hurt.
- Talk to the other person in the relationship.
- Make positive emotional changes.
- Don't dwell on the past.
- Focus on the crucial things in your life.
- Take responsibility.
For some people, their marriage is a source of joy and happiness. For others, the relationship they have with their spouse brings about feelings of emotional hurt and pain.
If your marriage hurts you emotionally and you want to save it, it can be helpful to understand what's behind the hurt and how it impacts your life. Communicating how you feel can make your relationship better. In some cases, a professional may be needed to assist with this process.
Emotional pain in a marriage relationship can be unintentional or it may be a direct result of a partner's intentional actions.
What hurts one person emotionally won't necessarily hurt another. However, here are some ways that marriage partners might hurt one another without meaning to cause emotional pain:
Intentional hurts are when you hurt your spouse, you know you are doing it, and you continue to do it. These hurts might be inflicted in the midst of an argument, during a clash with each other, or as a result of a misunderstanding.
An example of intentional hurt is if you decide to watch porn even though you know it causes your spouse distress. Other ways that one might intentionally damage their marriage include:
The divorce rate has been declining since 2012 in the U.S., with a 10% reduction in divorces between 2019 and 2020 alone. This is good news if you're intent on saving your marriage as this trend shows that it is increasingly possible.
Still, some partners do decide to call it quits. Some of the most common reasons cited for pursuing a divorce include:
For many, divorce is a result of issues that build up over time. Then, something happens that pushes them to decide that the marriage is over. There is a "final straw" that breaks the relationship, with some of the most common "final straws" being:
Emotional hurt can show up in a relationship in a variety of ways. When these hurts (and their subsequent impacts) are not addressed, it can lead to divorce. If a hurt occurs in a person's marriage, they might:
One study found that more than half of the couples deciding to divorce reported not being able to talk to one another as one of the major contributing reasons. So, if you feel hurt by your spouse's words or actions, talking about the situation may help you save your relationship.
In Courage to Love...When Your Marriage Hurts, author Gerald Foley explains that communication is important for each of the marriage partners. Foley states, in part, "The one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting both need healing."
When you don't express your feelings, the hurt can continue to grow. Yet, being able to express negative emotions is associated with better relationship outcomes. Specifically, it is linked to eliciting more support and a heightened sense of closeness and intimacy.
If you feel hurt in your marriage, the first step is to discover the cause. What is your partner doing (or not doing) that is hurting you emotionally? Once you identify the reasons behind your hurt, talk about them with your partner. If you don't, it can lead to emotional withdrawal, causing you and your spouse to drift apart.
During this conversation, hold each other's hands. Research has found that this one simple action can help increase a person's feelings of comfort, also reducing the emotional pain felt when recalling the experience at a later point in time.
If you're having a difficult time putting your hurt into words, here is a list of feeling words to help you get started in sharing how you feel:
Some relationship experts offer helpful advice for saving your relationship when your marriage hurts. For instance, in Strengthening Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard and Kathleen Rodgers suggest that you:
In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, author Gary Chapman shares a few more strategies for enhancing your marriage. They are:
If you're unable to resolve your emotional hurt on your own, find a professional to help. Couples therapy can help you address and solve the issues that are causing hurt within your marriage relationship.
Several types of couples therapy exist, ranging from emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which seeks to understand and change the things that make you feel disconnected, to psychodynamic couple's therapy, which strives to help you better understand each other through exploring your hopes and fears.
The type of therapy that offers the best results can vary depending on the issues at hand. If infertility is an issue, for instance, research has found that EFT can help improve marital commitment while decreasing couple burnout. A therapist can help determine the best therapeutic approach for you.
Emotional hurt sometimes occurs in a marriage. But if this hurt occurs on a regular basis or is intentional, it can damage the relationship, sometimes even leading to divorce. One way to avoid divorce and save your marriage is to learn how to communicate your emotions to your spouse.
If you find communicating with your spouse difficult, or you struggle to resolve your conflicts, a therapist can help. Several types of couples therapy exist, enabling you to find the one that is best suited for your situation and needs.
Not all abuse will show up as bruises.
There are times when people suffer from emotional abuse from the person they love and trust most.
“It’s true. He keeps hurting me emotionally, but I can’t bring myself to do anything, let alone leave him.”
Relationships aren’t all about happy memories, funny experiences, and lovemaking. There will be trials, fights, and times when you hurt each other emotionally, but soon, you will admit who is wrong, say sorry, and be better.
But what if it becomes habitual?
When someone keeps hurting you, what should you do? After all, you’re staying because you still love him, don’t you?
In these cases, usually, the victim is a product of what we call “conditioning.”
You believe you deserve this situation or that you don’t deserve to be treated better. You might become accustomed to the pattern of accepting emotional hurt, hoping after this, there will be days of bliss.
“He keeps hurting me emotionally, but I still love him dearly. I want this to work!”
When your partner hurts your feelings, he makes up for it, you might become hopeful, and then it happens again. You’ve seen the pattern, haven’t you?
You’re may get afraid that it will escalate and become abuse.
If you know this pattern and want to do something about loving someone who hurts you, then start with these three self-realizations.
“He keeps hurting me emotionally and always points out my mistakes. I will never be good enough.”
You know yourself better than anyone else.
Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You don’t have to agree with what your partner tells you, and you know when he’s not stating the truth.
When you entered your relationship, what things did you expect?
Of course, being hurt emotionally wasn’t one of them. Don’t forget the time when you envisioned the love of your life and the relationship that you deserve.
Do you know your relationship standards? In case you’ve forgotten because of conditioning, remind yourself again.
“Why does he keep hurting me? I don’t understand. We were so happy before.”
This is an excellent thing to consider. Narcissists show their actual color a few months after the relationship starts. Still, there is also a chance of an underlying issue when a man hurts you emotionally.
Did you have any problems before? Did something happen that could have scared your relationship?
When a man is hurt emotionally, he might resort to hurting you emotionally to deal with his pain. In cases like this, therapy might be the best course of action.
“My boyfriend hurts me emotionally, but I chose to stay because I love him.”
Answer these questions to realize why you choose to stay with someone who hurts you emotionally.
– Do you love him because you believe he could change, and your relationship will go back to how it used to be?
– Are you staying because you believe that he’s a good person and you can work this out?
– Do you think he is telling the truth when he says things about you and says he wants you to change? Ultimately, do you believe his harsh way of citing all your shortcomings is for your good, and you appreciate it?
“He gets off on hurting me, and I know deep inside that I should do something.”
That, right there, is your answer. You know this situation can still change. If you don’t talk to your boyfriend or partner, how would this person know that you’re not okay with what he’s doing?
Some people who experience emotional hurt become content with crying at night when everyone else is sleeping. But if you are tired of being hurt emotionally, you have to do something about it. If you won’t do something, how will it change?
“He hurt my feelings, and I understand now. This needs to stop, but where do I start?”
Realizing that the emotional hurt your boyfriend is giving you is not love is the first start. Now that you know that this behavior is not healthy and could also be a sign of an abuser, it’s time to do something about it.
Some people think that abuse only shows in the form of bruises and physical pain, but emotional abuse can be painful.
Sadly, many people close their eyes to emotional hurt and abuse. Victims of emotional abuse are rarely seen because they would rather hide in a corner and cry. Some would put on a fake smile and pretend they’re okay, but they are already broken deep inside.
What should you do when your partner keeps on hurting you emotionally?
One should remember that there are cases where emotional abuse is unintentional, intentional, a reaction, or a way to get attention.
Here are 15 ways you to put a stop to it, regardless of the intent.
“He keeps hurting me emotionally. I end up crying when he’s not home or when he’s sleeping.”
There’s a chance that your partner doesn’t know he’s hurting you emotionally. Some people choose to hide the pain, but you don’t have to.
Communication is vital to any relationship, and we need to use this to fix the issue. Talk to your partner. Let it all out. Tell him what you feel, why you are hurting, and everything you want to say.
Try to not simply cry in front of him. Instead, use words to express how you are feeling. Talk to him, and listen to him when it’s his time to talk.
Don’t be afraid to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner.
Sometimes, your partner may not be aware of the hurtful things he’s doing, but if he is, he could be honest and let you know what’s wrong.
If he isn’t able to answer you directly, at least this conversation will make him ponder his actions that are hurting you.
If you both acknowledge that there’s something wrong with your relationship and you want to try working on it together, then you need to create an action plan.
Make a list of all the steps you will be taking. Please write it down and agree to have weekly deep conversations.
Of course, both need to be accountable for their actions and reactions. Agree to compromise and know that this will be a long process.
In some cases, hurt and disapproval between couples is because of opposing beliefs. That’s normal since you came from different backgrounds. Compromising is an excellent point to include in your plan.
Meet halfway and work on it – together.
“How do I stop hurting when everything he says, even his jokes, sounds personal? I can’t help but feel emotionally hurt.”
Are you a sensitive person?
Being too sensitive can cause emotional hurt, and your partner is unaware of it.
If you talk to your partner and tell him that his words, jokes, and actions hurt you emotionally, that’s a start. However, don’t expect him to change in a snap.
Remember, every situation is different, and there’s a chance that he doesn’t intend to insult or hurt you. As he works on his approach, you also need to work on your sensitivity.
Words can inspire, and build confidence, but they could also hurt people you love.
Let’s learn how powerful words are with the help of Robin Sharma, an author, and speaker.
Relationships are all about understanding and working together. Now that you have compromised, start with understanding and being a little more patient.
The change will take time, but if you work together and are more understanding, then it will get easier.
If he repeats something offensive or hurtful, don’t react negatively or harshly. This might escalate the issue in the heat of the moment.
Instead, be calm and respond accordingly. Be objective, and don’t let your feelings cloud your judgment.
“He keeps hurting me emotionally. He wouldn’t hold my hand last night. I was so embarrassed and hurt because my friends noticed it too!”
We can’t force someone to be what we want them to be. Some men aren’t showy and wouldn’t feel comfortable being touchy.
This can hurt you emotionally if you let it.
Choose what you will absorb. Don’t let yourself be hurt by everything you see and hear.
Overthinking could make things worse.
For example, you’ve been suspecting that your partner is flirting with an office mate. You confront him angrily, and he yells out that you’re paranoid and pathetic because of the mood. Then you are left hurting and more confused than ever.
“He changed, and he no longer loves me. He’s being too harsh. It’s true, and he’s having an affair!”
There can be times when emotional hurt is caused by overthinking. Letting go of intrusive thoughts could help you and your partner.
He says sorry and promises to be more sensitive towards what you feel. If you think your partner is not a narcissist, what’s stopping you from giving him the benefit of the doubt?
Instead of ending the relationship, you can give him another chance. Weigh everything first before making this decision. You know him better than anyone else, and you know if he deserves his chance or not.
Did you know that setting boundaries in a relationship is vital?
Even before starting your relationship, a couple should start discussing this. It will help you set the proper expectations and responsibilities in the relationship. This will also make things more transparent for both of you. If someone does something outside the boundary, then this person should be accountable for their actions.
Next, if you both agree, it’s better to set rules. How will this help, you may ask.
With a written set of rules, you will realize the dos and don’ts of your relationship. No more guessing and wondering why your partner did what he did.
For example, you don’t want him to be chatting with his female co-worker.
It’s clear that if he still does the very thing you hate, then we can already say it was intentional, right?
If you choose to undergo therapy, you also need to address past issues that may affect your present.
Choose to forgive and forget if you want to start anew. This should be a mutual decision because this will determine if you will continue or end the relationship.
If the emotional hurt is unintentional, from a previous resentment, or oversensitivity, it’s safe to say that you can start fresh again.
It won’t be easy, but if you agree to compromise, talk, and work together, this can lead to a better, more mature relationship.
It’s not too late to start again.
“How to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally and shows signs of being an abuser?”
If you realize that the emotional hurt is intentionally caused or is because of narcissism or other reasons that can no longer be worked on, then leave.
Release yourself from the prison of unhappiness. You deserve better. Leave before it’s too late.
“He keeps hurting me emotionally. Maybe this is what I deserve.”
If you choose to stay and allow your partner to hurt you emotionally, it’s your choice.
Even if the facts are in front of you, even if the door is open for you to go out, you will be the one who would decide for yourself.
Leave or close the door and stay. The choice is yours.
There can be so many reasons why we would feel emotionally hurt. Recognizing patterns, reasons, and chances are among the first things you should do.
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