How to deal with ugly divorce?

There are things you can do to reduce the amount of toxicity from your ex that seeps into your life. Here are six ways to survive a toxic divorce.

In a toxic divorce, the kids can become a target as one parent continually bad mouths the other in front of the children. Be the parent who chooses to role model appropriate behavior. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the children and make it clear to them that, if they have a problem with you, to speak to you directly versus airing grievances with the other parent.

When it comes to the children, make sure you are taking the high road. Make sure to document any instances where you feel your ex is deliberately trying to turn the children against you. The court takes seriously allegations of parental alienation.

Another reason to take the high road is that it gives you a way to feel in control. You have no control over what your ex says and does. You can control your response to it, and how your children see you reacting to it. You can also choose to talk to an attorney about including a non-disparagement clause into your divorce or custody agreement.

It’s your choice how you respond to what your ex says and does. It’s easy to respond with anger. The worst thing you can do is to hit that send button with an email or text that blasts your ex, only to have your words thrown back at you in court as an example of how you regularly behave.

A good rule of thumb is to wait before responding to ensure that you are responding in a logical way, not governed by impulsive emotions. When communicating with your ex, keep things simple, stick to facts, and adopt as neutral a tone as possible.

If your ex decides to escalate the situation and begins making threats or starts to harass you, you need to talk to your attorney about what your options are. It may be a situation where your ex doesn’t need to have contact with you directly.

A toxic divorce can be extremely traumatic, so it’s vital that you learn coping skills that allow you to function without being overwhelmed. If you find yourself responding to every communication in an out of control fashion, or you’re overwhelmed with thoughts of how your ex has done you wrong, you need to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.

Talking to a therapist can help. There are stress reduction techniques, such as mindfulness training and guided meditation that can help you.

Many parents set an “electronics curfew” for their kids, a time each day when the devices turn off and the kids can refocus on other things. Your toxic divorce deserves a curfew as well.

Set a time each night, say 9:00 PM, at which you promise not to do anything divorce-related. You can read a book, spend time with the kids, or watch TV...anything you want that is positive, soothing, and not related to the toxic divorce.

When you choose an attorney for a toxic divorce, you don’t want another toxic attorney. Trust us: we’ve seen lots of divorce cases where a toxic spouse chooses a toxic attorney that makes things worse. What you need is a smart, strategy-oriented attorney who has experience dealing with toxic divorce cases and can serve as a shield to help protect you from some of the negativity.

Aggressive behavior during (and after) a bad divorce can take many forms.

People who resort to purposeful cruelty do things that range from petty to dangerous. At the petty end of the scale, your Ex might spread rumors about you or flaunt his* new relationship.

However, some Exes seem to lose their common sense and do hurtful things simply out of spite. They can get so wrapped up in hurting you that they’ll destroy property, kill beloved pets, or even deliberately attempt to cause you (or your children) physical and/or emotional harm.

If your Ex is behaving in dangerously cruel ways, be sure to get the help you need to protect yourself and your children. Do you need to file a restraining order? Talk to your divorce attorney to hear more.

Other tactics Exes use in a nasty divorce include calling the police to falsely report you as being abusive, filing restraining orders against you for actions you’ve never taken, and accusing you of stealing marital property.

On the other hand, his accusations can be less legal in nature. He may denounce you for wanting to make his life miserable, for only being concerned about money, or some other perception he has that is not based in fact.

Divorce and anger often go together. However, when you’re dealing with a nasty divorce, it’s a bit different. Your Ex will regularly explode for no apparent reason and be unable to speak to you in a civil tone unless he is compelled to.

His rage can strike fear in you and/or your children. And in the worst instances, his behavior can be emotionally abusive. If this is the case for you, get the protection and support you need to heal.

Each of these behaviors is an attempt to control you. A nasty divorce is all about control.

Your Ex may even use the divorce process to attempt to dominate you. He may refuse to communicate with you to drag out your divorce. He may petition for primary custody when all he really wants is joint custody or simply visitation, and he may refuse to pay support until required to do so by the court or until you do something he wants.

The list of cruel tactics someone who is out for revenge in divorce will take is virtually endless. Feeling hurt by any kind of cruelty is normal.

However, what makes a nasty divorce especially painful is that the person you thought would always have your back has turned on you. He is using everything he knows about you as a weapon in his hate-filled arsenal. He knows your vulnerabilities and is ruthlessly exploiting every single one of them.

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that the person you married is behaving this way. And addressing this thought is exactly where learning how to survive a nasty divorce begins.

The person you are divorcing is someone else—someone who is filled with thoughts of revenge and making you pay for the end of his marriage even if he is the one who wanted the divorce.

Once you begin acknowledging that the person you’re divorcing is a virtual stranger, you’ll find it easier to distance yourself from the nastiness of your divorce by doing the following:

He will push your buttons because it’s how he can control you. He will be cruel and vengeful. And the longer you remain a victim of your emotions, the longer you will be vulnerable to his attacks.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t feel hurt by your Ex’s actions. It simply means that you begin expecting that he will behave in abhorrent ways. That way when he does something terrible you aren’t completely derailed for a lengthy period of time.

It can be incredibly tempting to treat your Ex the same way he is treating you. But don’t. If you do, then you’ll only escalate the situation, and your Ex will have achieved his goal of hurting and controlling you.

Instead, keep your cool. Remember to continue to behave in ways that you’ll be proud of years from now.

Surround yourself with people who are on your side, can help you navigate the unfamiliar landscape of divorce, AND can help you keep your cool. Choose to confide in and count on friends, family, a legal professional, a therapist, and/or a divorce coach who can help you achieve your goals.

Concentrating on helping your kids get through this major transition in their lives is another great way for you to navigate your nasty divorce.

You’ll want to keep in mind that no matter how heinous your Ex’s behavior is, your children still love both of you. And it’s up to you to respect your children’s love.

You’ll also want to avoid putting your children in the middle of the mess which means they aren’t your spy or messenger.

The only way to get through your divorce is to do what needs doing which includes interacting with your Ex.

Although it may be tempting, stonewalling or ignoring your Ex will work against you. Refusing to communicate about any of the details required to move things forward will only inflame him more.

Your Ex knows your weaknesses and is looking to exploit them. If you’re concerned about finances, he can control you with financial threats. If you’re concerned about spending time with your children, he can control you with threats of taking the children away from you.

Whatever your Achilles’ heel is, ask your support team for help to put together a plan to make you less vulnerable.

Even after you’ve accepted that the person you’re divorcing is not the one you married, each of these ideas can still be challenging to act on. You’ll do better some days than others. This is your normal and human process as you continue to heal in your divorce recovery.

So, make it a point to practice self-compassion. Don’t expect yourself to do everything perfectly—just do enough.

Dealing with your Ex’s aggressive behavior will be difficult no matter what you do. However, by disengaging from your Ex and taking care of yourself you will survive your nasty divorce.

SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS For Women

*Disclaimer: We fully understand and respect same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we have indicated your Ex as a male.

The word ‘divorce’ comes with a feeling of dejection and hopelessness.

Divorce is saddening because when it occurs, it comes with shattered dreams and hopes. If the divorce comes with aggressively nasty behavior from your ex, the situation gets even more awkward.

It can be of several different types. It could involve purposeful cruel behavior, rage, and accusations.

Even if ending your marriage is the right choice, the truth is that divorce is hard for everyone. Admitting defeat, and saying goodbye to all of that time and energy is a rough place to be.

You may have already been in survival mode for a while now. You’re definitely doing your best for surviving a divorce after a long marriage. As you move forward and transition into this new era of your life and

The day your divorce is final, you will feel a lot of things—relief, anger, happiness, sadness, and a whole lot of confusion.

You’ll need time to grieve over your lost marriage, and to be able to function well in your daily life. Be kind to yourself—as kind as you would be to a good friend if they were going through the same thing.

So, how do you survive a nasty divorce? What are the best things to do when going through a divorce? Here is how you can invest your time in surviving the nasty time period of a divorce –

While they try to impose themselves and their toxicities on you, don’t do the same when you are seeking ways for how to survive a divorce.

It will sound tempting to treat them how they are treating you. Use your brain through this problem and understand their cause of doing so. If you show equality in rudeness or rage, you’ll escalate the problems.

While you continue to be patient and behave, you will see yourself being proud of it over the years.

You might have had a very beautiful relationship, and that can make you sad at times specifically when your ex’s behavior is unbearable.

To overcome such a situation, expect their abhorrent nature. Also, expect that they’re going to put you down purposefully. This way it won’t affect you afterward. You can face them easily when any bad situation befalls. You will not lose your track when something sad like this falls on your head.

Keeping yourself involved and affected by your ex’s behavior and actions can be disturbing.

You might get very angry and choose never to forgive them, but this way you’ll only hurt yourself. Show forgiveness with all your heart and mind.

Stay present and put with your senses to overcome their behavioral scars soon.

Tell yourself that divorce is a phase and shall pass away.

Telling yourself that it will forever haunt you or disturb you will only complicate your mental sanity. The light at the tunnel’s end may not seem to be visible right now. You will feel trapped, alone and all the sad thoughts will encircle you only when you let them.

Get busy with accepting it daily that the sad phase has passed and there is still a life waiting for you ahead. This is how you survive a bad divorce.

Also watch: 7 Most Common Reasons for Divorce

When you know that you gave all of yourself in the relationship, it will be hard to distinguish yourself from it. You might have started to forget your individuality in the run of living with your ex as a single unit.

As a way for how to survive a divorce and to become a better person, you need to examine your weak points. See where you need to nurture and pamper yourself all over again and do so. Pause all the things that make you feel like you will be losing your independence. Do all the evaluations necessary to build yourself up again.

While you feel sad about the abrupt behavior of your ex, know how you are letting it affect you. Instead of trying to remove them from your lives, make it easy for yourself.

Remember the good times you shared together and tell yourself that this will be a part of you forever. While life gives you tons of chances to hate them, focus on the good to support your mental peace.

As a solution for how to survive a divorce and to help yourself get away from the nastiness of divorce, change your routine. Continuing the same routine and crying on the sad changes will only complicate. You might even start settling for a toxic behavior because you falsely believe that it is a part of you.

If you share children, invest your time to help them cope up with the trauma of seeing their parents separate. Work on making their lives better, and you’ll see yourself slowly drifting away from the sadness of a divorce.

It’s important for you to feel connected during this time, especially since you have lost one of your biggest connections.

Surround yourself with the people who love you the most. Allow them to buoy you up with their positive energy and love. It’ll make you feel like you’re not just surviving, but actually thriving.

As you look back on what went wrong in your marriage, surely you’ll have some regrets while accepting the divorce. You’ll keep thinking all the “what ifs” on a loop in your head. What if you did this, would your marriage still be intact? Don’t let those questions keep popping up in your head.

Accept that this marriage is over, period. It’s done. So it’s time to move forward. As a tip for how to survive a divorce is to forgive yourself. Quit beating yourself up about what did happen or could have happened.

Most days you might feel ok. But other days, you may just be going through the motions, just surviving. A divorce is a lot to go at on your own.

For getting through a divorce, go see a counselor and talk about what you are going through. You will feel validated, and will use tools to develop skills to better handle things until you see that life after divorce can be bright and full of hope.

Often times, a divorce starts out amicable and turns into an ugly divorce . “We’re not going to be like all those other people,” a couple will say. “We respect each other and we both want this, so let’s set an example and show everyone that it’s possible to have a friendly breakup,” they might say. But then, reality sets in. Something happens and someone gets angry, which results in offsetting the course.

Perhaps the number one reason an amicable divorce turns into an ugly divorce. Even if the man or woman was the one who wanted the divorce, the minute their soon to be ex gets a girlfriend (or boyfriend) they go ballistic and get insanely angry and jealous. It doesn’t make sense, but it really does happen a lot.

Be very careful when choosing your attorney and make sure you trust him/her. I have seen attorneys blow deals that were put together by two consenting adults, because the attorney –in his or her defense—was trying to get the person more money. In other words, he or she felt they were just doing their job, but it backfired. I’m not saying don’t listen to your attorney’s advice, but everything has to be weighed. Is it worth it to walk out of the marriage with a little less money if it’s going to help keep things smooth and settle quicker?

Gossip after a breakup happens all the time. It can be really hurtful.

They might say things like, “I would hate him if I were you.” or “I never liked the way he treated you.” The person getting divorced starts to think about it and gets resentful, or feels like they SHOULD hate their soon to be ex—like it’s expected or something. People who love you don’t mean to do it, but they badmouth your ex because they think it’s helping you. They can even be egging you on.

“He took the best years of my life.” “If it wasn’t for her, I would have gone to law school.” “I always wanted to live in California and she would never move with me.” “He always treated me badly at parties and embarrassed me.” These are examples of what people start to think when they are getting divorced. I personally think it’s what we do to reassure ourselves that divorce is the right thing. I mean if you think about it, if everything is so nice and amicable, would the emotional part of getting divorced be a lot harder and more confusing? So maybe we do this to help ourselves.

This is when people really start to be in pain, and sometimes that pain can transfer into anger and vindictiveness and wanting to hurt the other person-legally or emotionally, so the divorce becomes contentious. When people are hurting, a lot of times that feeling turns into anger and resentment.

Being afraid and having fear  can also cause someone to get angry and mean. Fear is very hard to deal with, and sometimes people turn that fear into blame and hate for their ex.

Someone who is miserable will take it out on someone close to him/her and what better person to do that than their soon-to-be ex? They start to play the victim and blame the person for everything negative in their life.

People who have addictions blame everyone else for their problems and refuse to take accountability for anything that goes wrong. An alcoholic might tell their spouse, “You’re the reason I drink,” or “You’re the reason we’re getting divorced,” and “My life will be so much better once you are out of it.” So, they start to blame the divorce on the person and when blame is in play, it’s hard to stay amicable.

If an amicable divorce turns into an ugly divorce, it can be exhausting, upsetting, and basically a roller coaster ride. Plus, it doesn’t stop even after the divorce decree is signed and the divorce is finalized and official.

How do you deal with an ugly divorce? Try your very very hardest to keep the emotion out of it. Treat it like a business deal and try not to take anything personal. I know that’s not easy, but remember what your goals in the divorce are: the custody schedule you want, the assets you are trying to get, financial agreements, and more.

Remember, a lot of times, when you read lawyer jargon, it was written by your ex’s attorney-not your ex. That’s not a slam on the attorneys (they are just doing their jobs) but it could be construed differently if you think your ex (or if he thinks you) wrote it.

The other thing to do is try to enjoy something out of every day. Because an ugly divorce means lots of unpredictability and bombs dropped, life might feel uneasy and creepy and scary. So, since there’s nothing you can do to change that, focus on enjoying your days in some way, with your kids, with your career, with your family, and with your own passions and hobbies. Grab some kind of enjoyment every single day. (everyone should do that-not just people going through ugly divorces!)

Lastly, remember that your divorce will someday end, and hopefully your ugly divorce will turn into an amicable post divorce relationship.

Don’t Be Hard On Yourself

More often than not, people go through plenty of emotions during a divorce and end up blaming themselves for it. It would be wise to remember that there’s a reason why the relationship didn’t work out. Being kind to and caring for yourself will help in putting the past behind.

Try Keeping Busy

Engaging yourself in some activity is one of the easiest ways to take your mind off the situation you’re in and focus on the good. Try joining a Pilates class, or a Mexican cooking workshop, meet new people, make new friends and it’ll work out in some time.

Reach Out To Your Friends And Family

It might feel easier, but don’t shut your friends and family out. Going through a divorce is taxing, both emotionally and mentally, and leaning on your close bunch of people will help you survive the tough time. Reach out to your friends, make efforts to see them regularly, and spend quality time with them.

Spend Time With Yourself

In an effort to stay busy, don’t overbook yourself! Self-care is important, and it’s even more crucial when you’re going through a messy break-up or an ugly divorce. Take some time out for the things you love, such as gardening or going for a jog in the morning to clear your head.

Don’t Stalk Your Ex

As tempting as it might be to pick up your phone and stalk your ex on social media, we strongly suggest you don’t! Why bother taking the trouble to find out what’s up in their life and hurting yourself in the process? In fact, maintain a distance until you heal from the broken relationship, and decide whether you want to stay in touch with them.

Also, remember that the relationship didn’t work out because better things were perhaps meant to fall together. Trust that it’s all going to work out eventually and start afresh.

Also Read: 6 Things You Must Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage

• Be honest.
• A divorce is many things.
• You don't have to do it all.
• See the response of your ex-partner for what it is.
• Just because it feels bad to stay, doesn't mean it will feel good to leave.
• Kids: The opportunity to teach them.
• Have self compassion.