How to detach your baby from you?

Separation is a normal part of your child’s development. It happens when they get distressed and anxious when they are separated from their main carers (Murray, 2014; AAP, 2015). They might get upset by new faces or the absence of the old ones.

Separation anxiety usually starts before a child’s first birthday and can last until they turn four years. The intensity and timing of separation anxiety vary a lot from child to child (Health Guide, 2018).

Your baby might show a number of signs of separation anxiety. They might cry when left with someone else. They might not want to play on their own. They might start waking up early or they might start having sleeping problems (Psychology Today, 2018).

Separation anxiety is a healthy reaction to separation and is a normal stage of development. It’s a sign your child’s awareness of the world is evolving and that they know they are dependent on you or their other main carers. So separation makes them feel unsafe. The good news is that this awareness is a step forward (Murray, 2014).

Whether it happens when you go back to work or appears as your baby showing a preference for one parent, it can be hugely upsetting. An emotional rollercoaster for parents and babies too. So here are some tips for managing this ‘clingy stage’...

You could try leaving them with someone they know well for a short time at first. Build up gradually to longer stints with people they know less well.  They’ll get there (Help Guide, 2018).

You could also try practising short-term separations around the house. Such as if you go to another room, talk to your baby and when you return, tell them that you are there. They will understand that your disappearance is only temporary (NHS, 2018; Psychology Today, 2018).

You could talk to older babies and toddlers about what you’ll be doing later. You might talk to them about having dinner together later, the play date you’re taking them on after nursery finishes, or the book you’ll both read this afternoon.

With this you’re reinforcing the message that yep: you will be coming back. It’s also important that you follow your promises to build your child’s confidence (Help Guide, 2018, NHS, 2018).

A little toy they love or something with your smell on it, like a scarf or jumper, might comfort clingy babies (Famlii, 2018; NHS, 2018).

Yes, we know, leaving your baby for the first time at nursery makes you want to sob like a heartbroken 18 year-old. But wait. Smile, wave and then walk round the corner, find a coffee shop and a good mate and do your sobbing there.

The last thing a clingy baby will benefit from is picking up on your tension. It’s not always easy but try to shield them from your upset (Psychology Today, 2018; NHS, 2018).

Your baby will not, we promise you, be clingy forever. One day, you will go to work waving them off at nursery happily. You’ll drop them at your friend’s house for half an hour without even thinking about it.

Most separation anxiety eases when they’re around 24 months so it might just be a case of being patient (AAP, 2013). If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, elementary school or beyond, and if it causes interference with daily activities, do discuss with your doctor. It could be sign of a rare disorder called separation anxiety disorder (KidsHealth, 2016).

Being clingy isn’t a drug addiction: your baby doesn’t need to go cold turkey. So helping them to get used to independent life is absolutely fine.

If your baby is going to a new childminder or staying with someone new, hang around for the first few times. That way they’ll build up a trust while you are still in the room too. You could try leaving your child for short a period of time until they get used to being away from you for longer (KidsHealth, 2016).

Just like bedtime, babies benefit from regular patterns in their goodbyes too. Whether it’s a kiss, wave and a ‘mummy will be back soon’ or whatever variation, pick something that works and stick with it (KidsHealth, 2016). Creating an exit ritual is important as it will help them understand that ‘mummy always leaves after kissing and saying goodbye and comes after some time’ (AAP, 2015).

If your child hates it when you go out but will happily crawl off into another room by themselves, foster that. Wait a couple of minutes – as long as the rooms are child-proofed of course – before you head after them. That way, they’ll get a little bit more used to being without you (Psychology Today, 2018).

Lots of people might have told you that a good way to leave a clingy child is to slope off when they’re not watching. But this will quite likely mean your child thinks that sometimes, you disappear and they don’t get any warning, so they had better watch out. Instead, say a proper, happy goodbye and then leave (AAP, 2015; Psychology Today, 2018).

If your worry over the clingy stage is that you’re traumatising them for life, we can tell you this is not true. Instead, what they’re going through is a normal step on the way to being independent.

Your child will eventually understand that you always return after you leave and that makes them feel comforted (KidsHealth, 2016). Oh and FYI: it’s also a sign that they have a healthy relationship and attachment to you. So pat yourself on the back for that.

This page was last reviewed in April 2019.

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700.

You might find attending one of our Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

• Build up the separation gradually.
• If they're old enough, plan for later.
• Leave something familiar with them.
• Don't weep in front of them.
• Wait it out.
• Hang around.
• Get a routine.
• Let them have some independence on their own terms.

But no matter your baby's age, there are some tips and tricks that can make the process easier. Keep reading to learn how to stop breastfeeding in 10 simple steps.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that babies consume only human milk for their first 6 months of life. After that, they should continue to breastfeed while eating a variety of solid foods, preferably for at least one year. But the AAP supports "continued breastfeeding after solid foods are introduced as long as you and your baby desire, for 2 years or beyond."

Of course, these guidelines aren't set in stone, and parents can wean whenever they want. They can also choose formula-feeding instead.

The decision to stop breastfeeding is a personal one influenced by various factors, such as returning to work, your baby's temperament, or physical challenges. There's no right or wrong timeline when it comes to weaning your baby.

While there's no universal approach to weaning, these 10 tips might help parents going through the process.

If you want to start weaning, look for signs that your child is ready, which might include the following:

Allow yourself a full month to successfully stop breastfeeding; this gives you and your baby extra breathing room for obstacles and setbacks. Also, you should avoid weaning during a major life change (teething, moving homes, starting daycare, etc.), says Claire Lerner, LCSW, director of parenting resources at Zero to Three, in Washington, D.C. And realize your baby will be more apt to cooperate when they aren't overly tired or hungry.

Easing into a weaning routine lets you and your baby to adjust to the change. For instance, you may omit one breastfeeding session per week—probably the most inconvenient feeding or the one your baby's least interested in—and gradually drop feedings until they're solely having bottles and/or solids. (Note: If your baby is 9 months or older, it's best to wean directly to a cup, so you don't have to deal with weaning them off the bottle in a few months.)

By going slowly, you'll produce less and less milk, which will make weaning more comfortable for you. It will also make weaning more pleasant for your baby since they'll be progressively adjusting to nursing less and drinking more from the bottle or cup. You may even avoid triggering an episode of mastitis, a painful infection caused by clogged ducts.

Breastfed babies love close physical contact with their parents, so when you're weaning, it's important to provide comfort in other ways. For example, you can spend quality one-on-one time with activities that keep them emotionally stimulated—cuddling together while reading a book or singing a lullaby, romping around together at the playground, or massaging their back.

Some babies excel at weaning when they're in control. If you're OK with letting your baby call the shots, rely on the tried-and-true "don't offer, don't refuse" method. In a nutshell, you nurse when your child expresses interest, but you don't actually initiate it. It's not the quickest weaning strategy, but it ensures your baby's needs are met.

If your baby resists a bottle from you, La Leche League International recommends seeing if they'll accept it from someone else while you're in another room—maybe your partner, an older sibling, a grandparent, or a babysitter. Or, if you're the one serving the bottle, change up your routine—if you nurse in your bedroom, for example, try nursing in the living room and holding them in another position. If changing the routine doesn't work, revert back to your old ways, then try again in a few weeks.

It's normal for babies to resist weaning. Just know that, after a day or two of mourning the loss of the breast, most little ones will begin eating solid foods and drinking liquids from a bottle or sippy cup without problems. Healthy babies generally eat when they're hungry enough, no matter how badly they'd like to nurse.

Another reason to take it slow: You can experience engorgement in your breasts after nursing ends quickly. Why? Your milk ducts miss the memo that they need to reduce milk production, and all that milk has nowhere to go. If you're engorged, soothe the pain with cool ice packs or acetaminophen. Or reach for your trusty breast pump; serve the pumped milk in a bottle or mix it with your baby's cereal.

All-or-nothing isn't your only option. Many working parents opt for partial weaning, where a caregiver bottle feeds during the day, and you nurse when you're home. Here are two strategies for partial weaning.

Nursing and formula-feeding: Combination parents nurse when they're with the baby but have their caregiver feed formula. This may mean nursing right before you leave for work and as soon as you're home to prevent engorgement. On weekends, if your milk is low, you may want to supplement with formula.

Nursing and pumping: Other parents pump at work so their caregiver can put breast milk in the bottle. You pump as often as your child would nurse, maybe about three 15-minute sessions in a day.

Separation anxiety varies WIDELY between children. Some babies become hysterical when mom is out of sight for a very short time, while other children seem to demonstrate ongoing anxiety at separations during infancy, toddlerhood, and preschool.

The trick for surviving separation anxiety demands preparation, brisk transitions, and the evolution of time. I would suggest we parents suffer as much as our children do when we leave. Even though we are often reminded that our children stop crying within minutes of our leave-taking, how many of you have felt like you’re "doing it all wrong" when your child clings to your legs, sobs for you to stay, and mourns the parting?

As a working parent, separation anxiety creates questions for me. Although it is an entirely normal behavior and a beautiful sign of a meaningful attachment, separation anxiety can be exquisitely unsettling for us all.

Here are facts about separation anxiety and tips to improve the transitions I’ve learned the hard way (I’ve made about every mistake):

It’s rare that separation anxiety persists on a daily basis after the preschool years. If you’re concerned that your child isn’t adapting to being without you, chat with the pediatrician. Your pediatrician has certainly helped support families in the same situation and can help calm your unease and determine a plan to support both of you!

When your baby is latched on to your breast the right way, all of your nipple and part of your areola, the darker area of skin surrounding your nipple, will be in your child's mouth. A good latch makes a strong seal between your child's lips and tongue and your breast. This strong seal allows your child to create the suction they need to remove ​your breast milk while they're breastfeeding.

Most of the time, when an infant finishes breastfeeding, they're ready to switch sides, or they just need a break from the feeding, they will open their mouth and let go of your breast on their own. However, there may be times when your child just doesn't let go, and you have to be the one to remove your baby from your breast.

Below are a few examples of when you may have to break the suction of the latch on your own.

It's normal to feel a little bit of nipple tenderness when your baby first latches. But, if you continue to feel pain after the first few moments, your child is probably not latched on correctly. Since a poor latch can cause sore, damaged nipples and other breastfeeding issues, you don't want to let your baby stay attached to you in that way. Instead, you'll want to take her off of your nipple to reposition her and try to latch her on again correctly.

If your child is still attached to one breast and you want to switch to the other side, you may need to remove your child.

If your child is continuing to suckle for a long time after a feeding has ended or if she falls asleep at the end of a feeding and is still holding on to your breast, you may want to release her hold so that you can put her down and do something else.

When you're ready to remove your little one from the breast, you shouldn't try to pull him off. The pulling can damage the delicate skin around your nipple and areola. Babies also have a natural instinct to try to stop the breast from leaving the mouth. Your child may tighten their grip or bite down on your nipple to try to keep your breast in their mouth. Not only is it painful, but it can lead to nipple issues.

It's important to learn how to take your baby off of your breast without causing pain and sore nipples.

If possible, learn how to break the suction of a latch right from the start. Ask your nurse or a lactation consultant to show you the correct technique. If you didn't have the opportunity to learn how to remove your baby from the breast when you first started breastfeeding, it's never too late. Your doctor, a lactation consultant, or a local breastfeeding group can provide you with assistance and more information.