What should i do if my dad hits my mom?

Details: My father is a very abusive character. When I was a child, he used to go into 'rage' modes where he would just beat the life out of my mother. Trying to interfere would only get me enough injuries to not be able to go to school for the next week. As he got older, the rages got fewer but he would still lash out randomly. I'm not talking about the odd slap to the face kind of abuse - I am talking about the kind of abuse that lasts for up to 20 minutes, and renders my mother bloody and swollen and not able to walk for days. Growing up it was extremely painful (physically and mentally) for me and I still wake up from the nightmares. I was terrified of him - I think I've spoken about 15 words with him my entire life.

I moved out when I was 18, reasoning that I could get my mother to come live with me, but she refuses to go anywhere without him.

The last time I went to visit, they started an argument and I interfered and told my dad to back off. He started yelling things at my mother saying she's been training me to go against him, and I wound up backing off at the request of my mother.

I would very much like to file a complaint against him but that would just make things worse for my mother - she wants to be with my father (and I don't understand her) and furthermore, if I do file a complaint, I am sure I will never be able to see my mother again.

My parents have many differences, cultural ones are a big part of them. Because my mom couldn’t speak Bengali or learn some of the customs, my paternal family has harassed her for the last few decades led by my father. And this happens in strange ways. They make fun of her because of her marathi accent, and this even though she has tried a lot to take up the Bengali culture since our arrival into Kolkata from Mumbai. As a 22 year old, am numb with what my mother has to go through. I thought we were in a society where people celebrated diversity.

My mom and I have spent our time together and given how my father was, I grew closer to my mother and therefore to her culture. When we arrived in Kolkata, we were not quite welcomed by my father’s side in Kolkata. Both of us didn’t get any acceptance in this family in Kolkata because we were different and that’s what got made stronger together. What do I mean when I say we were different. My father’s family was very orthodox. They had issues if I wore sleeveless clothes. Or when I would take part in extra curricular activities or classes outside of school. As I grew up, I started liking the idea of doing make up and enrolled in classes for it, I love learning to dance too. For the family, a girl’s life should be all about devoting herself to a family, like raising children, getting married and no do stuff ‘like this.’ I was discouraged from taking extra classes or doing courses of my interest. Even though my mom stood by me, I never spent a day without ridicule from my father’s household.

When I turned 18, my grand father asked my father to get me married. We are a middle class family. My father is a pharmacist and runs a store. My grand father was in the Indian Navy but his wife was a house wife all his life. Most people in the armed forces are progressive but my grand father was not. Imagine having to get married at 18?

As a result of this, my relationship with my father became worse. I have been having a rocky relationship with my father for the last many years, but my teenage years were the worst. I was never good enough for my dad. If I was on the phone, there was a problem. If I was sitting and doing nothing, then he would be like, “Why are you idle?”

When I was small I saw my dad beat up my mom for the first time in 2005. Why did he beat her? Because there was some issue happened between them on my 8th birthday. His girl friend also attended my birthday with the tacit permission of his own family in the presence of my mom and me. Ever since that day, because my parents had such a physical fight, I have stopped celebrating my birthday.

It got to a point in 2005, that my mother reported my father for domestic violence with Kolkata police. But my entire paternal family supported my father because he was their son. Apparently whatever he does is right and what we say or do is wrong. But for my mom, I stuck by her side.

We are in this because of the money. We don’t have money, because my mother doesn’t work. And I am not yet working as I am still in college. Years have passed, the domestic abuse has continued. If not his own hands, then whatever he can get his hands on, he would just hit us. Things didn’t improve at all these past years. Last year I decided to report him. I was about to go to work to teach and was getting late. My father had a courier for him, I couldn’t go fetch the letter for him and told him I was late for my work. He came out down angry, and hit me on my face leading to a swollen lip. I retaliated. We have a pet dog, who was walking around, and so my dad then hit the dog. That made me livid cause not only do I love my dog but what was the pet’s fault in this. My mother and my grandmother intervened. My dadi behaved like I was tormenting her son.

I went to the cops and reported him. No one thought I would. Everyone was called to the police station. I was just spent and couldn’t deal with this beating. My father’s entire family behaved badly with me, saying, “I am making a family drama.”

You may ask why I don’t leave the house. Why my mom and I don’t leave my father. My mother says I shouldn’t have to not have a father. And so far it’s also been about financial dependence.

We never reported him earlier because he was the breadwinner for us and my mom thought about the difficulties that might arise. People called us names, especially me because of my father and even though my mother stood up for me. There were several incidents when friends, neighbours would call us names. In my school, I bore the brunt of people knowing that my father had an affair. Since I am sensitive about this part of my life, I have seen so many people use it against me.

For me as an 8 year old, in class 2 to know my dad had a girl friend was very wild. His girl friend was invited by my dad to my birthday. That’s how I got to know. This was all so weird to absorb at that age. I didn’t understand why my dad had a girlfriend but I knew as I grew up that this wasn’t right. My friends would mock me about this. Every bit of my life I have seen my mother internalise this. And as I grew up, people made me feel bad, guilty about my father’s behaviour. I was also criticised for talking about it, or confiding in friends about this.

My mother, she had her own problems, including some mental health issues. I have often asked her to take her to therapy but she wouldn’t let me. My father would beat her up in front of me all the time. And the rest of the family would never utter a word or interfere. My dad got blind support from his entire family. Years of abuse has taken a toll on her state and she refuses to get help but now I can finally understand what she went through all these years and I try to be patient with her.

We try to talk more and spend more time with each other and the quarantine has given us time for that fortunately. I really feel our family intentionally pick on my mom, taunt her, or pass remarks. She needs someone to love her. I stay on guard.

Q: I’ve heard and seen on TV about families where there is violence that gets worse and worse, sometimes ending in someone’s death. For years, my dad has been hitting my mom. I’m 15, what can I do?

A: The family project panel members can’t stress this enough: You cannot fix this, please don’t try to take this on by yourself.

”This is not your fault,” says guest panelist Pam Russell, ”Don’t get between your mom and dad. Your safety comes first.”

When violent episodes occur, as they have recently in the local news, Russell says, you must have a plan. Hide at a neighbor’s house or with a relative or even find a safe place in your own house.

Or call 911. It’s much, much better ? and safer ? for police to try to deal with the situation than it would be for you to try and intervene, say panel members.

Putting yourself between your parents in an effort to help your mother could flip the violence onto you, says panel member Roberta Zelleke.

Talk to your teachers, a counselor, friends or possibly a relative about what’s going on at home, all agree.

”Violence in families is not normal,” says panelist Marcie Lightwood, ”It’s not the way all families operate.”

The violence changes who you are.

”It’s as if you’re living in a war zone,” says panel member Joanne Nigito.

Watching or overhearing violence between your parents can affect you profoundly, even if you’re not involved, even if you can’t see it and sometimes if you can’t even hear it, but know it’s going on.

”There’s a change in the energy in the home,” Nigito says.

Such hyper-awareness, imagining that anything can happen in your home at any time, could take an emotional toll in the form of depression and drug and alcohol abuse to dull the pain, Zelleke says.

It would also be unhealthy and unwise for you to keep the problem to yourself, even if one of your parents tells you not to spread the information outside the family.

At 15, you’re beginning to form relationships, says Russell, and trying to shut yourself off from others can be dangerous. It keeps you from getting the help you desperately need right now.

And though it might be tempting to include your mother in a safety plan, don’t. Do this for yourself, says panelist Bill Vogler.

Though you undoubtedly love your mother and want her to be happy and safe, you must also keep from becoming her confidant. Telling you the psychological ins and outs of her relationship with your father is unhealthy, says Russell.

”You can’t be her rescuer,” agrees Zelleke.

Rather, formulate a safety plan for yourself that focuses on your physical health and emotional well-being, they say.

Enlist the help of a trusted adult in hiding a few necessities, such as a cell phone. Get counseling to address the extreme emotional pain you’re going through and find a safe place to be.

If the first adult you approach about this does nothing, go to another ? and another and another if you have to ? until you find someone who will help you.

Your life may depend on it.