Why do guys flake on first dates?
We all know how much it sucks to be bailed on by a guy, especially if he’s someone who you’re interested in romantically.
Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens more than I would like to admit, which is why knowing what to say when a guy flakes on you will make all the difference in the world.
My name is Amy North. I’m a relationship coach from Vancouver, Canada and author of The Devotion System, a program I designed to help women find and lock down love.
Today I want to share with you a line that will get you far when it comes to getting a man to spend more time with you, especially in situations where he casually changes his plans.
Before I share this with you, I would like to quickly ask that if you find this article at all helpful, then please share it with your girlfriends. Your friends will not only appreciate you sharing this insight with them but I appreciate the support.
To set the scene here, let’s pretend that you have dinner plans with a man.
For the sake of the scenario, we will call that man Dave. Let’s say just hours before you’re meant to meet up with Dave, he shoots you a text message or calls saying that something came up and he can’t make it.
Now, how I see it, you have two options here.
The first is to get pissed off or upset and to tell Dave that you think he’s a selfish jerk with no consideration for anyone but himself.
Maybe that’s a bit extreme. But, what I mean here is letting him know that you’re clearly annoyed by his flakiness. For instance, maybe you give him attitude or make it known that you’re not impressed by being short with him, sulking or speaking in a flat, dry tone. You know what I’m talking about.
On the other hand – and this is most definitely the better option of the two – you can play it cool and let Dave know that you’re totally fine and you will catch him another time.
Of course this is easier said than done especially if you were really looking forward to spending time with him and you are genuinely upset that he’s bailing. But letting him see the negative side of you will do you no favors in the long run.
So if the guy you’re into flakes out on you, then your absolute best bet for keeping him interested is to sweetly say or text this to him:
The reason why this statement works so well is because even if he assumes you won’t be upset about him canceling on you, he still knows that there’s a possibility you won’t handle the situation well.
However, by coming across as calm, cool and collected, it will make him want to spend more time with you. After all, it’s not every day he encounters someone who radiates positivity even in unfavorable situations.
Now I want to explain why each of these sentences is so important. I mean why not just reply with, “It’s cool,” or “OK”? So let’s start with the first part of the sentence:
Telling him that it’s OK shows him your compassionate side and it’s your way of letting him know that you’re not mad or upset with him, which is particularly important if you are hoping to see him again.
Shows him that you’re considerate of his schedule. This is worth noting because again, it shows him that you don’t expect him to drop everything he’s doing to see you.
Also, the extra bit about being busy makes the “It’s OK” sound more sincere. After all, those two small words can pack quite the punch and they don’t always come across in a positive way. That’s why using both of these together is so imperative.
Of course there will be times when him bailing isn’t OK.
In fact you may even want to pull your hair out in frustration of his flakiness. But again, if you’re looking to win this guy over, then it’s important that you make him think that he’s the one missing out when he’s not spending time with you.
In fact, it may even make him go out of his way to avoid you if he feels like he’s in the dog house.
Now of course this is different if the guy who’s bailing on you is your long term boyfriend. In that case, you would be having a totally different conversation about the situation.
But for scenarios where you’re just getting to know him and hoping to develop a relationship, this is what you want to do.
Now, moving on to the next part of what to say when a guy flakes on you.
Let’s go over why saying this part works wonders:
“I have a lot going on in the next few days but perhaps we can reschedule for later this week,”
Since men want to be with women who are independent and outgoing, by telling him that you’re busy for the next few days, it shows him that you’re not sitting around waiting for him to come calling.
It’s a known fact that men love the thrill of the chase. Making him think that he has to work for your time or needs to give you notice to fit into your schedule, that will bring the chase to life.
A good rule of thumb to follow is to need at least three days’ notice for making plans. Of course it can be tempting to drop what you’re doing to see a man you’re into. But believe me, making him wait that extra little bit will keep him interested.
Also suggesting that you reschedule lets him know that you’re still willing and wanting to see him. Not all hope is lost for him. He has the green light to contact you again.
Lastly, wishing him well or telling him to have a good day leaves things on a positive note and again, it tells him you’re not upset that he’s bailing. Because why would you be? Your life is full and exciting as-is.
Again, this extra little bit will put a smile on his face and you can bet that he will be thinking about you even long after you’ve wished him well.
If you can put a positive spin on an otherwise crappy situation, then your guy will not only be much more likely to come calling, but it will make him look forward to seeing you.
Think about it from his perspective for a moment. If you had to or even chose to cancel plans on a man, would you be more inclined to want to see him again if he was a downer about the situation or if he brushed it off like it was no big deal because he understood you were busy? Exactly.
- 1 Ask for an explanation when he reappears.
- 2 Accept his apology if it seems legitimate.
- 3 Tell him how being flaked on makes you feel.
- 4 Give him one last chance if he wants to redeem himself.
- 5 Stop reaching out to get his attention.
- 6 Ask yourself if it's worth it to keep trying.
As a child of the 1980s growing up in the UK, I remember the alluring television advertisement that featured ‘The Flake Girl’ and the tagline “Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate never tasted before.” Unwrapping the mouth-watering chocolate, the Flake Girl succumbed to temptation and enjoyed a moment of pure pleasure. True to the tagline, the creamy chocolate does indeed taste so good, while also feeling just a little bit naughty. Fast forward to the 2020s and a new kind of flake appears to be in abundance. It comes without a marketing tagline, yet still delivers the same blend of something good and bad all in one hit. You will not find this latest incarnation on supermarket shelves, amongst the chocolate and sweets. Nor does it come with a calorie count that you choose to overlook because the creamy goodness is worth it.
Instead, I speak of the crumbliest, flakiest guy – a phenomenon now all too commonplace thanks to smartphones, online dating apps, and social media. A casual text or sliding into someone’s DMs has become a normative form of communication, and this low investment approach has hastened a culture in which social arrangements, people, and relationships are disposable. In the pre-smartphone era, it took courage, effort, and vulnerability to strike up a conversation with that guy or girl who caught your attention. Now all it requires is a quick search on social media and a few seconds to type a light and breezy message, then hit send and test the water. For the guy with a flaky tendency, it is very easy to connect and seemingly pursue a girl from the hidden safety of texts.
This guy has an air of intrigue. That smile. That sparkle in his eyes. Charismatic, understated, worldly. He is hot. Maybe you meet through mutual friends, attend the same class, or both swipe right on a dating app. However it happens, right from the very first text, he is not shy in expressing a keen interest in getting to know you. Flirtatious compliments abound. He is articulate, witty, and seemingly genuine. Over the coming days and weeks, the text conservation grows, and this truly feels like an exciting opportunity. A perfect example of something happening when you least expect or seek it. The banter and rapport builds. Surely an invitation to meet for coffee or to have dinner is next on the agenda. The text conversation is fun and there is a rush that comes from the ping of each message, but you do not want to become stuck in the texting trap.
At last you make plans to meet. A simple coffee date. Low key, nothing extravagant – perfect. The day arrives and soon excitement gives way to disappointment as he texts to cancel. “Sorry, I’ve got to work,” or “Sorry, my friend is going through a tough time and needs me right now.” This is the calibre of excuse ordinarily given by flaky guys. Yes, his reason may be completely true, but the chances are your brain immediately goes into overdrive, pondering whether or not this is an early red flag. Is he really interested? Will he reschedule? Am I overreacting? Do I just need to chill? I like him and he has been saying all the right things to suggest the feeling is reciprocal, so stop freaking out and give him another chance to make good. This typifies the internal dialogue that usually ruminates in one’s head when dealing with flaky guy syndrome.
You want to be the cool, understanding girl who is totally okay with this. After all, while him cancelling may seem like the end of the world right at that very moment, in reality, it really is not. With a mix of curiosity, good faith, and optimism you reply, saying something like: “No worries. I hope work goes okay. I have plans for tomorrow so let’s catch up in a few days.” You reassure yourself there is no need to stress. Of course he will reschedule. However, this guy’s approach is anything but predictable.
Days go by, then a couple of weeks and you do not hear anything from him. In the quiet interlude, you begin to question yourself. Did I do anything wrong or not? Should I text him? If I do, will I appear weak or will I seem like a crazy desperate person? Is he just a chill guy, taking things in his stride? Am I overthinking it? The internal narrative is relentless, especially for the girl who is naturally anxious and insecure and who struggles to maintain healthy boundaries. Finally, you hear the magical sound of an unexpected text and a rush of excitement replaces anger and anxiety.
His charming words offer reassurance that he is interested and is not playing games. All is forgotten and a second chance is granted. “Red flags, red flags. Giving him a second chance is a naive mistake,” I hear the objective observer cry. The red flags must seem obvious to many, but if you are someone who engages others from a place of authenticity, genuineness, and transparency, there is an innate assumption made (whether rightly or wrongly) that other people will treat you in the same way. It is alien to conceive that someone would consciously choose to connect with no other purpose than to gain attention and to mislead. Plus, it is not completely naive and unreasonable to want to try again when things do not go as planned the first time round.
This guy is like kryptonite, your Achilles heel. His inconsistency and mixed messages are lighter fuel to the ego. Your inner critic rages like an out of control fire, burning up your self-esteem. His cycle of flaky behavior is baffling. The egoic self, that worrier and dweller in your head that thrives on fear, lack, and scarcity, prompts you to start justifying his behavior. The voice of your true self is subdued by the incessant chatter of the much stronger inner critic, and you suppress what you know deep down. This guy’s behavior is disrespectful and shady, and it will not change, so you have to step up and break the cycle.
There could be various reasons as for why she wasn’t interested enough to follow through. Some women mentioned they weren’t interested enough because the guy wasn’t interesting enough. Here are some other reasons women mentioned about not being interested: